Heil T! Suckas Family Circle.

T! Suckas: Family Circle

One day, many many months ago, MrFood received a letter from the Family Circle. Wondering why they would ever send him a letter, he opened it and saw a bill for $12. Baffled, MrFood threw it away because he had no clue as to why they think he owed them money. In June of 2002, another letter came, practically demanding that MrFood send them their precious 12 dollars and also stating that three, yes three, bills have been sent. MrFood wrote back and sent the letter, hoping to end this pathetic episode. He also stated that if he receieved another letter from them that the Family Circle will become a sucka. Well, here in July of 2002, he receieved another letter and now it's time for the Family Circle to add the list of the most pathetic beings on the face of the earth.

Why is Family Circle a sucka?

They send bills to people who don't subscribe to their magazine.
They exaggerate the amount of bills they've sent to add urgency to their errors.
They don't realize, and won't admit that they made an error.
After being told they have the wrong guy, they send more bills.
They are freaking out over 12 dollars they don't deserve!!!

***Their Letter*** Here is the first one MrFood received after the first errant billing notice:

YOUR IMMEDIATE
ATTENTION IS REQUESTED
Dear __________________:

     Today, our Credit Department referred your PAST DUE account to my office for appropriate action.

     Before I proceed, I wish to remind you that your subscription to FAMILY CIRCLE -- which was opened at your specific request -- is a bonafide agreement between you and FAMILY CIRCLE.

     Furthermore, all prior efforts to settle the matter have received no response from you. You have been given an opportunity to look at FAMILY CIRCLE. You have been sent three previous billing notice(s). You have been given more than ample opportunity to bring any problem or misunderstanding to our attention. But you have chosen not to respond.

     I want to urgently point out that it is in your own best interest to take this final opportunity to settle this regrettable matter.

     To avoid further action and to erase your delinquent account from our records I MUST RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT WITHIN THE NEXT 10 DAYS. Take my best advice -- MAIL IT TODAY.

                                                                                                    Sincerely,

                                                                                                    __________________

                                                                                                    Credit Manager

P.S. If you fell there is some mistake concerning your account, PLEASE INFORM US IMMEDIATELY.

***MrFood's Response*** Here is the letter MrFood sent back to Family Circle in June of 2002.

YOUR IMMEDIATE
ATTENTION IS REQUESTED
Dear __________________:

     Today, I received a letter from your office about my PAST DUE account on which you were taking appropriate action.

     Before I proceed, I wish to tell you that my subscription to FAMILY CIRCLE -- which was apparently opened at my "specific request" -- never even took place between me and FAMILY CIRCLE.

     Furthermore, all prior efforts to settle the matter have received no response from me because no efforts have taken place. I have never been given an opportunity to look at FAMILY CIRCLE. I have been sent one previous billing notice which was disregarded due to its errant nature. I have been given ample time to bring my problem which does not exist to your attention. Therefore, I have chosen not to respond.

     I want to urgently point out that it is in your own best interest to realize your mistake and remove me from your records.

     This is being done to avoid further action and to erase my delinquent account from your records because I DO NOT OWE YOU MONEY FOR THAT WHICH I NEVER RECIEVED. Take my best advice -- FIND THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY SUBSCRIBED TO YOUR MAGAZINE.

                                                                                                    Sincerely,

                                                                                                    __________________

                                                                                                    Peeved Man

P.S. I feel there is some mistake concerning my nonexisting account, so I AM INFORMING YOU IMMEDIATELY.

***Their response*** Yes, they actually had the gall to send another invoice, so MrFood sent them yet another letter.

***MrFood's second letter (Now with more attitude!)*** This is the second letter MrFood sent to Family Circle in July of 2002 after receiving another billing notice.

     Ok, I've had just about enough of this. You can quit sending me invoices now because I don't owe you, your company, or your magazine one red cent, one thin dime, etc...
     What I find to be completely stunning is that the invoice doesn't even have the right address and my name is spelled wrong. You can't just make stuff up and present it as fact. Face it, I neither have, nor will ever subscribe to the Family Circle.
     What irritates me is that have to spend 37 cents to tell you that I don't owe you anything. What makes you think I'm just gonna give you $12.00 for no reason whatsoever?! Are you delusional?! Doesn't it strike you as odd that you send an invoice to someone and they have no idea what you are talking about? And your solution is to send...another invoice?! And after the person tells you that they never subscribed? Another invoice. This is completely ridiculous.
     I have no clue how you came to think I subscribed to your magazine, but I certainly would like to know. The last letter said it came at my "specific request." Maybe before you resort to sending invoices demanding money for no reason, you should probably at least take some measures to see if someone actually cares about what they are supposedly subscribing to.
     Now, this was probably just some sort of practical joke being played on me, but I'd expect at least some intelligence played on your part. I mean, you are billing me for 12 magazines, none of which I've received, or would even want to receive. And you took no steps whatsoever to see if I actually subscribed. I think I'm gonna send you 15 subscription notices from names I randomly choose out of a phone book just to irritate you and force you to write absolutely preposterous letters requesting their "immeidate attention." You think this letter is packed with acerbity, how about 15 more?
     Furthermore, I declare you pathetic and you have now been added to the Pro-T Movement's (www.protmovement.com) list of suckas. Thank you, and have a nice day.

***Family Circle's final response*** Finally they give up and do what they should have done in the first place. Nobody messes with MrFood...and his notes are italicized.

August 5, 2002

MrFood's name (still misspelled)
MrFood's address (still incorrect)
MrFood's city, state and zip code (no +4...Sorry USPS, it's useless, and you know it.)

Account #: (A big number/letter combination.)

Dear Subscriber:

As you requested, your credit order to FAMILY CIRCLE has been cancelled. Please disregard any further billing you may receive. (In other words, carry on my normal business.)

We hope you will allow us to serve you again in the near future. (Nope, not even in the distant future.)

Mrs. Letter Sender
Customer Service

(Another number/letter combination.)